“convert a non-believer / to ikea”, Charlene Shepherdson
convert a non-believer
to ikea
start with a simple prep
-osition. there is a light
to change. suggest a walk
through the living room despite
his protests. promise you'll be in
and out so quick, it will be euphoric.
take tiny steps through each sample
room. hold your breath. believe
in the power of displays to hold
him captive. if you're lucky,
you'll last long enough for meatballs
to be an option.
linger at every wardrobe, admire
every grain. drag him unwillingly
to the office space. trace a finger
on each surface, sit on each swivel.
encourage softly when his hand
makes the first contact.
whisper gently in his ear the plan
for both libraries to converge
in a corner. feed his fantasies
with banker lamps. knead
gently at the chair he spots:
leather, soft, supple.
purr approvingly. let him think
he saw it first. note to self, it looks
better in person than online.
furrow your eyebrow and use
his line, "but do we need it yet?"
let him justify his want and nod
when he finds aisle G. as he loads
his cart by himself, grab some napkins.
keep the receipt. know you've caught
him in the venn diagram between
armchairs and tables. his resistance
has weakened. you're ready
for the next exchange.